I have felt so strongly at times the hand of the Lord during this journey. I want to document it so I can refer to it again and again. I hope this will be a reoccurring theme as new things to be grateful for appear.
Having a place to go that felt safe
Friends who support and have the knowledge to help
Wings. I cannot describe it any other way. At times I felt like I was literally being carried from place to place it was that palpable. Angels around me.
Other's Prayers. What a strength it has been to know that you are fervently being prayed for...that people some you may barely know, are praying for you.
My prayers. What a privilege it is to be able to pray and know you are heard. That the Creator, Redeemer, Savior...God hears your prayers. Wants to hear my prayers. Miss my voice if I forget.
He is here with us. I will get to this more later. But it is a blessing he is able to be here, where his children can be with him. Where I can be with him. Where he can be with us. Because we need it, all of us.
He's alive. Again more later. But that he survived at all is a great blessing.
My children. How amazing they are. The way they rallied around each other. It was remarkable. And if as they feel more secure I see more of the fissures and petty arguments again, still what a blessing it has been to know that when the trials of life push them to and fro they will have each others backs. (However right now they appear to be taking delight in pestering each other - and me! - to the breaking point. So...)
Inspired leaders. My bishop, home teachers, visiting teachers, Stake President, Relief Society President. They have all been so wonderful. I have truly been placed where I am with amazing people surrounding me and my family.
My work. That I have a stable job is a blessing in itself. That it is a place where I can confide and receive their support is such a gift.
The opportunity to serve. It has been such a gift to get out of my own way, my own issues. At first standing up to lead the music was terrifying, but eventually resuming all my callings (I have 2) has become a real blessing. I don't want to just be a partaker of the kingdom but a contributor. Also the opportunity to serve in other ways, our ward did a service project for Blessings in a Backpack. Going with my family and having my children help other children in need was a gift.
My family. The first person I called was my Aunt and Uncle. Who welcome me and my 4 teenagers into their home for almost 2 months. The next person I called was my dad. What a great strength he has been to me. His advise, his kindness, his support and his love has been so amazing. Recently I confided in my sister. My fears were in telling too many family that it would be a barrier to my husband. But my sister textedtexted me out of the blue and I felt the spirit tell me "You can confide in her."
Friends near and far who have lifted me their prayers, council, and love.
My Savior. Most of all. He is given words to say when I could not think of any myself. Strength to carry on and do the things I need to do. He has carried me when I was weak. Succored me when I was faint. Comforted me when I despaired. He has walked this road with me every step of the way.
Lord to whom shall I go? Thou hast the words of eternal life.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Saturday, April 25, 2015
The day everything exploded.
It was a day in February.
It was Normal, busy day. Utterly normal until it wasn't.
It was utterly normal from morning until about 7:00 pm.
A knock on the door. So random. No one comes over this late and no one uses the front door. All our friends know to not struggle up the steep steps. Just use the basement door like we do.
I guess I assumed sales of some sort. Probably one of the neighborhood kids pitching for cookies or wrapping paper. But who would send their kid out in this bitter cold?
I open the door.
5 police officers are standing on my small front porch.
I don't remember what they said. I think I think they ask if they can come in.
They want to speak to my husband. They just need to make sure things aren't what they look like.
He is in the bedroom.
I let them come in.
Kaboom...
2 officers stay with me a nice one who seems determined to act like this is all just some friendly visit. And a woman who never says anything. Just watches me. Watches me until I want to scream.
I don't scream. Out loud anyway. But inside. Kaboom.
They are blocking me from going into the bedroom. No one says anything bit the intention is clear. You are not allowed back here.
I can't do small talk any longer. The only thing I want to know they won't tell me. I ask if I can do the dishes. Of course! They aren't here to disrupt my routine. What can I say to that?
I do dishes. Every single dish I can find. It is an inevitable law of womanhood, whenever someone important stops by unexpectedly it will be on a day during a week when your work has been long and exhausting and you sort of gave up on your house. Yesterday's dinner pot is still on the table. Right underneath tonight's I can't summon up enough energy to do more than order pizza - pizza box. Of course there are dishes to be done. Lots of dishes.
My kids usually do the dishes but they are upstairs. I know they know that something unusual is happening. But they are staying upstairs. Playing a game. I know they are distracting each other there's an aura of forced cheerfulness about it. I want them to have that distraction though just like I need one. So I do dishes.
Finally something changes.
They start to leave. Maybe its over? Maybe I can talk to him?
No.
He is walking out with them. I am desperate for some positive sign. Just a smile, or even a look of frustration, something that says 'I'll be right back, can you believe this?'
He can barely look at me.
He looks ... crumpled.
Defeated.
Despairing.
I barely recognize him.
They have a big van outside. They're just going to go outside to talk.
It's after 9:00. Finally one of the officers asks to talk to me. Gratefully I follow him downstairs.
He tells me.
My husband has been using child porn. Its been going on for years he says. He just got in over his head he says.
Kaboom.
I don't know what to do. I sit down in the stairs. Aren't you supposed to have to sit down when you get horrible shocking news? And so I sink down to sit on the stairs. Aren't you supposed to cry? People cry when they get terrible news, right? And so I cry. But it's empty. There is no relief from this. Not right now.
They don't want me to tell the kids yet. I think they just wanted to not be there. Maybe they wanted to give me time to cope with it myself. But it seems wrong to me. I can feel their need to understand, to know. They aren't babies anymore. And this isn't something that I can brush under the rug.
Words my brother told me once years ago, when my mother was first diagnosed with ALS, are ringing in my head. "Complete disclosure. You can't heal if you don't understand.
So I pull my babies who aren't babies into my room. It seems a foreign place to me now, but its still a place of security for them. They pile on to my bed. I hug them and tell them. They amaze me with there spirits they always do. But it still amazes me that we got through that moment as a unit. Holding hands. Supporting each other. We will get through this together. They are all united. My awe of them, my love for them, my pride in them has never been more palpable. It's a bright glow illuminating one small area in the deep dark pit that my heart feels like its become.
Have you ever shined a flashlight into cave? And its darkness everywhere but that spot where the flashlight shines? Its like that.
We cry a little and we pray. I tell them to gather a few things because I don't think we'll be staying here tonight.
It's 10:30.
They tell me they are arresting Him. And He wants to speak to me. They let me get my coat. Walking out the warn me we cannot touch. Just talk and not for long.
I walk up the steps to the van's back door. They make me stop on the last step. Just in the door way. He is looking at me and then He looks away. He starts to tell me He thought I deserved to hear it from Himself. Yes, I think, I deserved to hear this a long time ago. But I don't say anything.
He reaches out as though to hold my hand. I pull back knowing we can't touch and I can see the police officers immediately react to pull us apart if necessary. I start to say we can't. But I don't know if He sees my reaction as a rejection of him or a reaction to the situation.
He's almost angry as He chokes out the next words. " I couldn't tell you because I knew you'd leave me. I knew it." He looks at me again and his eyes punctuate each word. "I. Knew. It."
It rocks me. After everything we've been through in 21+ years of marriage, and 4 years of dating? You knew I would leave you? And you accuse me of this now?
But I say nothing.
The police officer tells Him he should give me His wedding ring. His face spasms I can tell He thinks He will never get it back again.
I take it.
"I should have listened to your Mom! I could hear her in my head. Don't do this!"
The officer breaks in at this point and says that's enough. That's all the time we can have.
He sits.
I back down the steps.
I want more time and I want to run away.
I just walk back towards my door. The basement door, the one that everyone who knows us uses.
The officer stops me. Its very important he tells me to tell him if there has been any abuse. If any of my kids have been sexually assaulted or exploited. I tell him I will ask, but that I don't think there has been any.
It's very important.
I know. I'll tell him.
I walk back into my house. Through the basement door. The one that everyone who knows us uses.
It was Normal, busy day. Utterly normal until it wasn't.
It was utterly normal from morning until about 7:00 pm.
A knock on the door. So random. No one comes over this late and no one uses the front door. All our friends know to not struggle up the steep steps. Just use the basement door like we do.
I guess I assumed sales of some sort. Probably one of the neighborhood kids pitching for cookies or wrapping paper. But who would send their kid out in this bitter cold?
I open the door.
5 police officers are standing on my small front porch.
I don't remember what they said. I think I think they ask if they can come in.
They want to speak to my husband. They just need to make sure things aren't what they look like.
He is in the bedroom.
I let them come in.
Kaboom...
2 officers stay with me a nice one who seems determined to act like this is all just some friendly visit. And a woman who never says anything. Just watches me. Watches me until I want to scream.
I don't scream. Out loud anyway. But inside. Kaboom.
They are blocking me from going into the bedroom. No one says anything bit the intention is clear. You are not allowed back here.
I can't do small talk any longer. The only thing I want to know they won't tell me. I ask if I can do the dishes. Of course! They aren't here to disrupt my routine. What can I say to that?
I do dishes. Every single dish I can find. It is an inevitable law of womanhood, whenever someone important stops by unexpectedly it will be on a day during a week when your work has been long and exhausting and you sort of gave up on your house. Yesterday's dinner pot is still on the table. Right underneath tonight's I can't summon up enough energy to do more than order pizza - pizza box. Of course there are dishes to be done. Lots of dishes.
My kids usually do the dishes but they are upstairs. I know they know that something unusual is happening. But they are staying upstairs. Playing a game. I know they are distracting each other there's an aura of forced cheerfulness about it. I want them to have that distraction though just like I need one. So I do dishes.
Finally something changes.
They start to leave. Maybe its over? Maybe I can talk to him?
No.
He is walking out with them. I am desperate for some positive sign. Just a smile, or even a look of frustration, something that says 'I'll be right back, can you believe this?'
He can barely look at me.
He looks ... crumpled.
Defeated.
Despairing.
I barely recognize him.
They have a big van outside. They're just going to go outside to talk.
It's after 9:00. Finally one of the officers asks to talk to me. Gratefully I follow him downstairs.
He tells me.
My husband has been using child porn. Its been going on for years he says. He just got in over his head he says.
Kaboom.
I don't know what to do. I sit down in the stairs. Aren't you supposed to have to sit down when you get horrible shocking news? And so I sink down to sit on the stairs. Aren't you supposed to cry? People cry when they get terrible news, right? And so I cry. But it's empty. There is no relief from this. Not right now.
They don't want me to tell the kids yet. I think they just wanted to not be there. Maybe they wanted to give me time to cope with it myself. But it seems wrong to me. I can feel their need to understand, to know. They aren't babies anymore. And this isn't something that I can brush under the rug.
Words my brother told me once years ago, when my mother was first diagnosed with ALS, are ringing in my head. "Complete disclosure. You can't heal if you don't understand.
So I pull my babies who aren't babies into my room. It seems a foreign place to me now, but its still a place of security for them. They pile on to my bed. I hug them and tell them. They amaze me with there spirits they always do. But it still amazes me that we got through that moment as a unit. Holding hands. Supporting each other. We will get through this together. They are all united. My awe of them, my love for them, my pride in them has never been more palpable. It's a bright glow illuminating one small area in the deep dark pit that my heart feels like its become.
Have you ever shined a flashlight into cave? And its darkness everywhere but that spot where the flashlight shines? Its like that.
We cry a little and we pray. I tell them to gather a few things because I don't think we'll be staying here tonight.
It's 10:30.
They tell me they are arresting Him. And He wants to speak to me. They let me get my coat. Walking out the warn me we cannot touch. Just talk and not for long.
I walk up the steps to the van's back door. They make me stop on the last step. Just in the door way. He is looking at me and then He looks away. He starts to tell me He thought I deserved to hear it from Himself. Yes, I think, I deserved to hear this a long time ago. But I don't say anything.
He reaches out as though to hold my hand. I pull back knowing we can't touch and I can see the police officers immediately react to pull us apart if necessary. I start to say we can't. But I don't know if He sees my reaction as a rejection of him or a reaction to the situation.
He's almost angry as He chokes out the next words. " I couldn't tell you because I knew you'd leave me. I knew it." He looks at me again and his eyes punctuate each word. "I. Knew. It."
It rocks me. After everything we've been through in 21+ years of marriage, and 4 years of dating? You knew I would leave you? And you accuse me of this now?
But I say nothing.
The police officer tells Him he should give me His wedding ring. His face spasms I can tell He thinks He will never get it back again.
I take it.
"I should have listened to your Mom! I could hear her in my head. Don't do this!"
The officer breaks in at this point and says that's enough. That's all the time we can have.
He sits.
I back down the steps.
I want more time and I want to run away.
I just walk back towards my door. The basement door, the one that everyone who knows us uses.
The officer stops me. Its very important he tells me to tell him if there has been any abuse. If any of my kids have been sexually assaulted or exploited. I tell him I will ask, but that I don't think there has been any.
It's very important.
I know. I'll tell him.
I walk back into my house. Through the basement door. The one that everyone who knows us uses.
WHY SOIMASA
So.I.M.A.S.A.
So I married a Sex Addict
My husband has an addition to pornography and it almost destroyed my life.
This is my story.
This is my reality.
I will try to be as honest as I can.
So I married a Sex Addict
My husband has an addition to pornography and it almost destroyed my life.
This is my story.
This is my reality.
I will try to be as honest as I can.
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